6-25-09 A Year Now

Today is 6/25 again, a day I was sending something regardless of what happened after trying a year ago. Odd as it is to say I somewhat amazed myself after doing that last year. As it took me the 12 years to finally grow a spine and to do that which I should have done sooner. From the moment I hit send last year, not knowing at the time though, the door opened yet some regret stood in the way. I regretted not doing it sooner and not doing it the right way that first instance when I hit the send. The door was opened and I stumbled through, but it is still opened and can't be closed.

Today maybe my birthday again but as with last year when I sent this to you, this gift is for you. I'd try to never ask you for anything as knowing that you are out there has been enough to a point. I get a gift everyday in you. I went into last year fully accepting the consequences and wouldn't change a thing it was and always is for you. What happens, happened, happens and I'd never expect anything else as long as you are safe and happy. I did it because I didn't fall in love with a just a young you that I saw that first moment years ago or for the you you'd turn into. I simply fell for just you. So I had to express it as best I could and keep expressing it.

We were parallel lines until something nudged either of us just enough to cross at a point at which I found you. It could have been earlier if I think about it but didn't know at the time, but the thought of you was planted there in some way. But I think of it as marked do not open yet or of no your not ready to see her at this point as just some blonde. I looked backed over images prior to the one I saw you the first time from and guessing you were probably a blonde at the time. But the thought became of just remember what you partially see, you'll know her when you next see her as you should truely see her, not just some blonde. I did those months later if that was the case then. Again I'm not sure but reflecting there's a chance. We crossed at that point and I will always remember it, I will always cherish that point and the time since then knowing of you. You were more than just that blonde, you were you.

Previously I thought with my mind yet now I think and feel with my heart ever since that moment. The two are merged for you and then I am somewhat complete. For that alone I thank you. For and because of that I love and care for you more than I can just say though words as they are incomplete. My heart and mind complete for you alone at that time all is clear.

I would never ask you to be anyone but yourself as that is why I feel this way. I would never ask you to be anything other than yourself since that is who I fell for. I would never ask you to be anyone but you as that is whom I saw, not what you were but just you. I've only ever see just you. Now all I can do is try again to convey in some sense that of which you are to me, I have too. But it will always be incomplete much as I am without you. What I tried writing won't completely express everything that which I deeply know and feel towards you, as they can't completely be conveyed this way. I never felt this for anyone nor could I.

Love, care, worry and miss. Those four words sum up most of what I write, do or would say to you. They are my constant emotions and thoughts which I have towards you. Anything else I've written or done was born out from them. I've tried to write in otherways but they are always there in some underlying form. I knew two things about you in that first moment. That this is the woman I can and would completely unconditionally love and care for. Second was I don't know a thing about her, yet knowing didn't matter it was just you. Even though I can fill in some of the second now out at this point, it still doesn't impact on the first. It still is constant and will always be the same.

What I've known and felt has never been based off of just appearance alone. I've known others others time to time with traits or features similar to you oddly enough. Yet none of them ever resonated in me as you did in that moment and since then. The emotions and thoughts were never there for any in the same way in which they are for you. I could best describe it as touching a wall socket when something of you pops up. This is just a partial answer though to the bigger unanswered why question. It never crosses or crossed my mind to be based on looks alone. I just and always see you in the sense of a being.

That idea brings me to one point I remember writing previously as I realized it when a image popped up. I wrote before that I also saw you, or a future you, at that first moment. Turned into a self fulfilling instance in a fashion when a image popped up. Something bugged me about it so I opened it back up and sat there looking at it. Started doing a simple retouch on it and ended up with a aged you. Nothing dramatic, just a quick of what could be. It's not the image above that is there, haven't figured out how, when or if even to use it at all. Someways I guess it would spoil the surprise if it turns out to be accurate. The above image was a different case and I'll leave it here for awhile. I honestly didn't start out to do it but just ended up doing it. It's just hard for me to work on any image of you so usually don't. All I would say to you though is if I saw you at the point that which the image would depict, I'd consider myself to be the luckiest and happiest man alive to have known you for all the intervening years. But then it's what I always would have known so it wouldn't matter, it just has been you for all the time that has mattered to me.

I may have went overboard in my writing last year but I approach each day as a new one so instead of treading on the same grounds, I haven't reread what I sent last year. There have been other days this past year beyond the few which I actually did hit the send buttons that I would have liked to mail you again. But I never did so I just saved the fragments for days I will send on if they are appropriate. It's not a need or want, it just seems like it's the right thing to do since it's not a want in the sense of want, not possesive thing or such.

A hint of doubt though is at the back of my mind again as I write not knowing if this will ever be read. I hope it is though as writing the words brings out emotions focused to the one I write them for. On some offchance they bring a smile to you on days when you need one to know that someone cares and loves you enough to open up in such a way. You have made me feel this way everyday so it's the least I could do. You are my opposite and thats' why my fondness or bond towards and for you will always be strongest. Opposites attract and they create those that which lasts, you bring out my best. I'd always be there for the good or bad as that is life. So again thank you. These words will alway be here for you and more at times.

Again I've written for you. I write what I want to say to you, yet if I can't say it to you there are times I don't want to write it down. I can never fully express that which you are to me in written words alone. The thoughts, emotions, feelings behind them are partially lost when just written. What you'd see expressed and through my eyes or mannerisms would complete the words. Yet I'm left with this option so I try my best to write just enough to get the meaning across.

So today maybe my birthday, yet since I found you there have been only 13 of these days. But in the whole scope there have been 4907 days that I've known of you. I happened to find a counter one night so went back to it for today. These have been the best 4907 days and counting as I have known you on them and look forward to more. It's funny in some way that I have and do mark the time knowing you since I don't care for time otherwise. I don't own a watch or live by a clock, I just do, as I see it on a different level. Everything I've ever written for you has been completely honest and not constructed in anyway, it's just for you.

Yet I realize I'll find less and less of you which is why I'd like to be able to try more and more. But unless something just has to be said or expressed directly sooner I'll just wait for the two days a year. It could be as easy as a click for me to know on the days between but that is up to you and your choice to make, I won't ask directly here.

On second thought, sorry no as I've always been honest and open I will ask this time around. I thought about it while checking this before sending, that was my old way of thinking so when I got back to this line I decided to change what I wrote there.

So this time I will ask and be direct even as much as it pains me to ask of anything from you. Sometime just drop a message you have all my information I wouldn't ask of you otherwise.

With love always,
            Shawn
06/25/09

PS The image you to the left is accurate, I only resized it down somewhat but otherwise it's exactly what is still on my ipod. I kept this note to remind me a year ago after the first mail when out. At the time it was just a quick note I jotted down for myself to fix what I failed to do earlier in the morning. The thought that I messed up was on my mind most of the day so I wrote it down to remind myself of what I failed to do and tried to correct eventually.

     Nothing, I honestly hope this time as I'm doing this the right way, will be sent to you via Fedex as I know the messages have gone out. In a bit of irony thankfully this isn't last years attempt. A boutique I was going to buy you something at last year but eventually didn't since I didn't think it appropriate, closed in the meantime. So in some strange way I never would have had the thought of sending you anything of that which I wrote upto that point. I even tried to learn German to say part of this to you that way, yet things popped up that forced me to stop for a bit so I lost the thought processes for it. With me structured systems just aren't my way, I think too freely without a set goal or endpoint, so learning a language in a short time just wasn't going to work out. I picked up some of it yet not enough to make it a viable option. Just a few lines which would matter here but I won't type them as they wouldn't come across right. Maybe some other moment.

3-18-09 Why?

Thirteen plus years, countless images yet honestly it would still be the same if I only ever had seen one of you.

This whole short time though I still can't answer the simple question that is just one three letter word.

At any moment I can think about it and end up with the same conclusion. It's just you. Always been that way since the first moment and always will be, I can't change that fact. Oddly enough I didn't have anything planned for today until I stumbled upon the image on the corner Touch one night. So there I sat for a day or two looking at it the whole time having a twinge of something not being right.

It lacked your warmth, in essense it lacked what makes you you. So I brought out what I've always seen in you that which radiates through.

Always yours,
            Shawn
03/18/09

strong>1-17-09 Thirteenth

Thirteen years ago now everything changed compared to the day before. That first moment now has become another day in the past when I first saw you. From then a day has been always and will be more than just a day knowing your there. It'll always be more than that each day out for what I feel for you has always been this way and always will. Changing it would be admitting it wasn't this way. Changing a thing since then would mean I'd never know of you.

I said I'd always and only could be open and honest with you. So with that this will be short for now. I've seen you grow and mature over the years, yet what I felt that first moment hasn't changed. As long as you've been alright thats' all that has really mattered. I said it was never about me but always you yet in some ways it is about me as this is for you.

Thirteen is supposed to be a unlucky number so for now that'll remain to be seen and judged once a next year rolls around. Something is only negative if it's thought as that in a preconditioned notion.

So starting now the 13th year all I can say at this moment as I'd have like to have said since that first moment I saw and knew of you

I love and care for you

That's pretty much all I can say to you but I'll always add miss you too.

Today especially yours,
            Shawn
01/17/09