June 25th, 2010
At the outset I knew I would be writing something again for you today. Yet as the day grew nearer and nearer seemingly at first I was having problems as to what I would write. For the most part I would just draw a blank unable to come up with the right words as they escaped me each attempt I made. Odd as this sounds at first I felt that was okay, so please don't view that as some reflection upon you as a explanation. I just couldn't find the right words to write right now as the words alone don't express it properly.
But then as it always seems to be the case with you coincidence decided to play a role in helping see this through. As the day played out yesterday events lined up once more for me in a particular time and place. By chance I ended up in the same area as I did last year when I then decided to write about how I saw a sunset, which I later mailed to you. The weather yesterday night was almost the same, while the sky was filled by the setting suns glow once more. I smiled at the realization of this as it fell into place in this way once again. Just seeing that uniqueness of a warm radiant beauty reminded me of you.
While I can not find all the words I would have liked to have said here, the feelings that I've felt for and about you have still continued to grow. They're thoughts and emotions from deep inside where they matter, not just simple views of you as a object, ideal or of what you are. A simple singular moment of a glance in your eyes is always and only what I need to know everything and why, you're you that is all I see. I've always said I can only be honest with you so old, new, younger or older the views don't matter. They're moments which make me feel alive as I feel my breath being taken away. Other times they'll bring me to smile or tears to my eyes as they are just you.
I'll admit mistakes were made along the way, for them I'm sorry, yet I had to try to express this in some way. Simple or lengthy it should have been said earlier. As it has been now since that first moment of the first day up to today, with any and all tomorrows, they were for and would be first and foremost for you. Any day and everyday the moment wouldn't matter I'd say it to and for you.
Thank you, be well as always I love and care for you.
Always yours,
Shawn
06/25/10
February 8th, 2010
Short version: Change comes fast these links are more important.
Stop FGM now. along with The Waris Dirie Foundation
Long version:
This isn't about me but you, there are probably things I could say or do to say it in someway but that is just not me or my way. There's a time and place for everything until something bigger than you or I matters. It seems you're doing just that now so I'm at a time and place as to what to do with this. This was always meant for you yet it shouldn't be a distraction. I'm proud and happy for you in what you've set in motion and being part of, yet it'll bring me sadness as it just means less and less of a chance to know you. You must do what you must do, just know I'll always love and care for you, this in someway will be here as it should be for you.
I was going to wait for a week or so to do this to write it some otherway, but I'll just go straight from my heart as I always write to you that way.
I've always known I'd only love and care for you from afar from that first moment. Always remember I do, have and always will love you for you, not who or what you were or are. It's only you, I'll always be here to support you. Fourteen years of thoughts, feelings, emotions haven't changed towards you. I never could have fallen for anyone less than you no matter the outcome from when I first found you. Maybe I just saw it in you always and knew since it wouldn't matter how it turned out, it was just you. That's all I needed to know and see for me to love and care for you.
I guess now all those years ago I should have been more direct or asked for something when I could have. That wasn't and isn't my way. Just the answer to a simple question once or twice a year would have been enough to know you're ok.
You're always in my heart and mind that'll never change. Be well, do what you need to do, and do it well. This isn't a end but just a beginning as I've always said I'd keep personal and professional seperate. In a way it's funny as the image mirrors the one from which I came to know you. Just a sideview nothing more needed to be seen as it was just you.
Always yours,
Shawn
02/08/10
January 17th, 2010
On a day when I was in the process of fulfilling a "why not" moment a simple question was asked of me. On this late October 2009 day I had the thought of why not for once to go and pickup a catalog I knew of. Just had that feeling of doing things a bit differently at the time so the idea popped into mind. As I was arriving at the store in question it seemed my simple goal was not to be on this day as no catalogs were to be seen. Being slightly disappointed in the fact the trip seemed to be for naught I began to turn to to leave the store when out of the blue a saleswoman asked me "Did she send you?" In a way as that question went through my thoughts I smiled as without hesitating on my part I replied the only way I could for such a answer. Simply stated tbe truth in replying "Yes, yes she did"
I could never have answered as I did if not for another moment of chance fourteen years ago now. All I knew in that brief moment was your name nothing more. I saw only just you then and in a way that would have been enough in seeing you for you. As you were then as you've been since and as you'll be that is all you'd ever would need to be; just you, yourself, to me. I've tried to look for a deper meaning at times while the simplest one has always been there for me to see, just you. In these years now I've learned more, yet nothing beyond that simplest one is needed. That is all which is needed for me to understand all and what I feel for you. What you are and were along with what you've done and do really doesn't matter much seeing as I deeply care for you.
Today, honestly everyday, the easiest and hardest words for me to say are those most sincere that I could say to you. Easy in the fact by which they are heartfelt and true yet they are hard as they end up being unsaid emotions beyond the written form. Each and everyday together would have been ones I'd have had enjoyed and always missing you on those days apart. I can't say how the days could be or would have been; I just know they would have been for you alone. Through the ups and downs, good and bad, I'd have been there for you. Whatever needed to be done I'd do, never to get in the way so you could focus on what you'd needed to do. Never would I ask or want from you as you're what matters as there is nothing which could be of value to me more than you.
Now we are on a day which starts the cycle again of another year of knowing you from that first moment. What'll happen and where it goes who knows? I can't say but I'll spend each day as many many before. Caring, worrying and wondering for and about you. Worrying and wondering on those days inbetween when some bits and pieces line up in a way so I'd know that you're okay. They'd also be days of loving and caring for you
Now, then and any moments to be
PS: Not to leave it out there but when I replied to the saleswoman she replied to me "Let me check in the back we haven't put out the newest one yet." So things worked out that day.
